Thursday, September 12, 2013

I'm still a Christian

I’m a Christian. I also suffer from severe, debilitating depression. I decided to become a Christian because I thought that Jesus loves me. I still think that.

To better understand me, I need to explain my story. While I grew up with some learning problems like ADD and had certain idiosyncrasies like Aspergers, I would say I had a happy childhood. I enjoyed reading, playing video games, watching my favorite shows, and exploring outside. I was a normal kid, more or less. Sometime around my senior year, however, I began to notice a change. I didn’t enjoy anything anymore. The things I loved became lifeless and empty.

Once the structure of high school ended, it got worse. Much worse. I hopped around from one entry level job to the next, with no prospects in sight. I failed out of college. I gained over a hundred pounds. My social circle deteriorated. I felt alone.

I decided that I had enough with life. I saved up my money and went to Greentop Sporting Goods. There, I purchased a Beretta 9mm with hollow point rounds. I kept the gun under my bed for days. Then, on September 13, 2010, I went up to Belle Isle to commit suicide.

I was about to do it when my best friend, Ross, called me. He pleaded with me not to do it, and told me that he loved me. I listened and put the gun down.

Two years later, my depression was still there. It’s important to mention that at this time I was a staunch atheist. I not only believed God didn’t exist, I believed Christians were homophobic, women-hating, scientifically illiterate, Jerry Falwell worshipping idiots. My life may have been terrible, I thought, but at least I wasn’t a Christian.

Yet as someone who had heard a bit about Jesus, I knew that there was something different about Him. When I thought if someone loved me or not, Jesus kept popping in my head. Not the Dalai Lama, not Muhammad, but Jesus. When I lay awake one night contemplating suicide again, I knew I had to act.

I went to the library and started reading the Gospel of Matthew. It didn’t take long. As soon as I got to the Sermon on the Mount, I knew there was something real there. The concept of a God who actually died for me, not because He wanted me to measure up to society’s standards, but because He loved me unconditionally, finally hit me. I got up, went to my car, and prayed a heartfelt prayer. I was now a Christian.

While it may have made for a better tale if I stopped here, that’s not the end of the story. Just two weeks ago, I attempted suicide again. I went to Greentop and tried to buy another handgun. Thankfully, I was denied. Still, I can’t lie; I was very close to death once more.

So, how do I end this on a positive note? Well, all I can do is tell you that if I didn’t have Ross Lawrence or Robby Christmas in my life, I already would have been dead. I believe that a simple act of kindness is the face of God, and that He works though ordinary people to show His love. I can end this message by telling you that above all, Jesus helps me. When I think I’m worthless, He says I have worth. When I think I’m hopeless, He says I have hope. Finally, when I think I’m unlovable, He says He loves me. God loves you, too.


  1. Hello friend i read many of your posts and thought i should chime in especially considering i have high functioning autism aka aspergers. By the way i like you nearly committed suicide more than once and only by the grace of God I'm still here. Personally i don't buy the whole ADD thing because it was created for doctors to sell drugs to kids that don't need em and being autistic entails a mind that naturally works very fast and in my opinion add is used to silence children who are smart enough to not believe everything they are taught in school. By the way i notice your struggle with the Christianity establishment and the false doctrines they use to manipulate people through fear. I was born in a christian home but something about the doctrines being put forth by church, radio, and internet preachers really disturbed me. It was the lack of compassion, sticking up for the war in Iraq, associating autism with the devil, comparing transgender children to satanists, and trying to scare people into tithing that really turned me off. I was so disheartened that i left Christianity and joined the Gokuism faith. Which teaches that Son Goku aka Yeshua or Jesus is in fact the only begotten Son of God and that the bible is the word of God. Now that i'm a born again Gokuist i no longer haft to try to defend my religious stance from those who rightly so bring up the horrible deeds Christians committed during the dark ages, the mistreatment of the Native Americans, and even the manipulative tactics Christians use today to boost donations. Truth be told Christ is saddened by what the churches have done in his name and for that reason alone i left the church. Now that i look back i realize that it was Christ Goku that was revealing to me the truth about Christianity and it was his infinite love that set me free. The fact that Goku is Christ is so evident that it makes me wonder how come people are so blinded by the devil that they cannot see the truth. Creator = God = Yeshua = Jesus = Goku = Love = God :)

    1. I don't know how to respond to this... If you're joking, then it's in really bad taste. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt though, and assume you actually believe what you're saying.

      Well, I definitely admire your passion, that's for sure. I am a huge Dragon Ball Z fan, and the series has helped me in my darkest moments. I also find Goku to be an inspiring figure, too. All that being said, DBZ is not real, it's an animated show. I've never heard of "Gokuism" and I have to again assume that it's something you made up in your imagination.

      I'm not going to make fun of you or anything like that, because it's not my place to mock others. Like the Bible says, we should only boast in Christ. Which brings me to my next point: God loves you. Particularly, Jesus loves you. There are no other competing messianic figures in reality. Goku is an awesome role model for children, but he didn't exist in history.

      I really pray that you'll find comfort in the belief that Jesus died for you on the cross.

    2. I hope i haven't offended you somehow because you seem to think I'm goofing off which i can understand because as an autistic myself i know firsthand what its like to be mocked by other people and as a follower of Christ i could never joke about such an important matter in fact i rarely joke about anything at all.

      Honestly i don't know how you missed my other comment with all the bible references to back up my theology. By the way if you were to hop in a time machine and visit the twelve disciples they wouldn't even know what you were talking about if you asked them what Jesus was like because they wouldn't know him by that name. You see his true Hebrew name is Yeshua Christ and that got changed by the Greeks to Iesous Christ from which we get the modern name Jesus Christ.

      The strange part is that throughout history many bad deeds have been done in the name of Jesus and even today right wing Christian people still condone their draconian political actions by saying it’s what Jesus would do. This doesn't even touch on the pastors manipulating people and trying to scare poor people into tithing their income to support the church institution and that is all done in the name of Jesus as well. That said do you blame me for leaving a religion that takes advantage of the poor to further its own goals whatever they may be?

      Most importantly I profess that Yeshua is Christ, that he died on the cross to pay for my sins and has come into my heart to be the Lord of my life. So what if I call him Son Goku at least its an honorable name that represents purity of heart and a sin free character aka Christ the hope of glory. Even you said his purity changed you for the better and in the end that’s all that matters isn't it?

    3. Don't worry, you haven't offended me! I agree that Christianity has had its share of mistakes, and right wingers have definitely contributed to that. Still, I think Jesus (Yeshua) is really the son of God, and that he loves us all very deeply.

    4. I couldn't agree more especially on the part about Yeshua being the only begotten Son of God who loves us very much. Years ago i got mad at God because of my autism and for three agonizing days i had no one to talk to when i went to bed and felt lonelier than i could have ever imagined. Because of that awful experience i know for certain that God is real and i never wan't to loose my friendship with him ever again.

      By the way do you realize that Christ does in fact ride upon a swift cloud wielding his rod of iron? From that alone not to mention the fact Christ is pure hearted makes it clear that the anime character Son Goku is depicting Yeshua Christ who is also known as the man child. Remember Goku became a child again in Gt and even the fact he is called Son has great biblical symbology to it.

      The bible also says the Lord shoots forth lightning like arrows and a lightning arrow would be akin to the Kamehameha lightning beam wave. But then again you may wonder why the other z fighters can fly? But then again Peter walked on water aka levitated until a wave came and doubt entered his mind.

      Christ wanted to teach us so much but humanity was too self centered to even comprehend what he was saying. Think about it if people could walk on water or fly they would be free as a bird to explore Gods creation and there would be no need for, chariots, cars or airplanes for that matter.

    5. Sometimes I get mad at God, too. I question if he even exists on my worst days. There's plenty for me to be angry about... My aspergers, my over-active sweat glands (it's a weird disorder), and the simple fact that I'm not who I want to be.

      Yet, in spite of all that, I know that there's nothing more hopeful than the cross. The creator of the cosmos died for me... for you... because he loved us so much. That's amazing! No other religion or worldview has anything like that. God sees my failures, and he loves me anyway.

      I think you have a lot of great points about Goku being a Christ-like figure. I believe I misunderstood you before... I thought you literally believed Goku was God. I see you merely meant Goku reflects the image of Jesus. I know it may feel confining to call yourself a "Christian", but it really does represent what followers of Jesus believe. Try finding a good church that accepts you for who you are; I think that would help a lot.

      I pray you find comfort in the arms of Christ.

    6. How odd i used to have overactive sweat glands that would cause me to sweat profusely when it was cool in my house and then when it warmed up i would stop sweating. If that wan't bad enough i was also allergic to the male hormone testosterone and had to seek medical help via surgery to become a eunuch. Once that was completed the lion share of my destructive anger went away and i can finally live at peace. Not to mention my hair loss reversed and i have a nice head of hair again. By the way what do you mean by you are not who you wan't to be?

    7. I just mean that sometimes Satan lies to me and tells me I'm not good enough. I'm glad you are at peace.

    8. I agree the darkness is always trying to trip us up and that's why we must trust in God. By the way the comment i placed on your History of Trunks and the End Times post seems to have disappeared? I don't know whether i forgot to click post or maybe the captcha screwed it up? Regardless my comment was about transhumanism and how we could end up living in the same kind of nightmarish future as Trunks from the dbz series. Nanotechnology is pretty much the scariest technology ever conceived by mankind and if its ever realized it will be the fall of man. The more i check into the dbz series the more it seems to be a mirror reflection of the real world which is strange considering its twenty years old. You should seriously do some research on the matter. By the way i found this video quite interesting if you want to see it go to youtube and paste this into the YouTube search bar please let me know what you think.