Does God poison everything?

What’s moral? That’s a question that philosophers have pondered over for centuries, going back to the days of Plato. Good thing we don’t need philosophers anymore, according to Stephen Hawking (I guess he’s smart enough to solve every ethical dilemma by scribbling out a formula). Joking aside, morality is a question of what constitutes good and evil, the basis of society. Historically, for western civilization at least, our morality has been Christian. No one seriously disputes that, and even atheist philosophers like Nietzsche admit this only to say how rotten it is to be so, and how a Ubermensch “master morality” is to be preferred over a Christian “slave morality.”

Yet, the “new atheists” seem to naively believe that people just “know” what the right thing is, and that thousands of years on the quest for God have been a waste of time. The problem, of course, is that even “common sense” moral issues like feeding and clothing the poor is not an inherently good act. In fact, Ayn Rand, the devoutly atheistic apostle of Objectivism, coined the term “the virtue of selfishness.” Why help others? Why not just help yourself? God’s dead, right?

The late Christopher Hitchens subtitled his New York Times bestseller, God Is Not Great, with the words “how religion poisons everything.” I know it might sound corny, but I really do believe that Christianity is a relationship and not a religion. That being said, I’ll accept the label of religion for the sake of argument. Still, with a book so bold, you’d expect that atheism has a great track record with morality. Too bad that isn’t the case.

Maybe you could’ve been like H.G. Wells at the turn of the 20th century and hoped for a utopia based on secular ideals. After two world wars and a holocaust, however, I don’t think anyone can take this seriously. Especially when nations like the old Soviet Union actually attempted a godless utopia and failed miserably. Communism, as formulated by Karl Marx, is a wonderful idea in theory. It’s just completely ignorant of human nature. Every murdering communist despot, from Stalin to Mao and Pol Pot, has been an atheist. That’s a fact. It’s ironic that the proudly identified “militant atheists” of today once shared their name with the state backed League of Militant Atheists of the Soviet Union.

Then you have statistics. Ah yes, numbers never lie. According to Harvard University, which is hardly a bastion of Christian thinking, “forty percent of worship attending Americans volunteer regularly to help the poor and elderly, compared with 15% of Americans who never attend services.” Then you have the non-partisan organization, Statistics Canada, release data showing that “the average annual donation from a churchgoer is $1,038. For the rest of the population, $295.” Doesn’t look too good for the atheist utopia, huh?

So maybe religion isn’t so bad. Maybe the crusade against people of faith is misplaced. Maybe God doesn’t poison everything.

Star Trek Into Darkness

As a warning, this review contains spoilers. I usually don’t preface posts like that, but seeing how this is a new film, I’ll make an exception. So, Star Trek Into Darkness is basically a remake of Wrath of Khan… but I think we all saw this coming. It does seem that every time the Star Trek franchise wants a big hit, they turn to Khan. They did it in the Next Generation with Nemesis, with Data basically pulling a Spock and nobly sacrificing himself.

I’ve noticed a strange criticism of the movie made by trekkies: that since Into Darkness is primarily an action film, it is fundamentally not Star Trek. They say that the philosophical and exploration aspects of the series are hardly touched on. Well, they’re somewhat correct. If you’re talking about the tv show, then yeah, it doesn’t really adhere to that model. Yet, if you’re talking about the original film series, then you’re wrong. The most critically acclaimed and loved Star Trek movie was Wrath of Khan… which was predominantly an action movie compared to the previously released Motion Picture (that was almost universally hated).

With all that being said, this is the best Star Trek’s been in years. Khan’s in here (brilliantly and chillingly played by Benedict Cumberbatch), the Klingons make an appearance, and most importantly, Kirk and Spock are back. What’s not to like? The film is also intense as well, with dozens of thrilling sequences where the Enterprise looks like it’s going 20,000 leagues under the sea (actually that does happen once), and all hands are going to be lost. By the way, I love how they bring in Khan. The trailers made us certain that it couldn’t be him due to him wearing a Federation uniform; his introduction literally sent chills down my spine.

I guess what needs to talked about is the reversal of Kirk and Spock’s roles. It works wonderfully. Kirk sacrificing himself instead of Spock was such a twist, and I got a little misty eyed watching it. The scene also seems a little less hokey than in Wrath of Khan. When Kirk is kicking the generator back in place, you really feel the weight of his selfless decision. Spock’s reaction to his friend’s death also had me doing an “oh shit” face in the theater.

J.J. Abrams has done a fantastic job at bringing Star Trek to the masses while still maintaining the cast’s lovable personalities. Is there a lot of technobabble and pondering of the meaning of it all here? Not really, but at least Kirk isn’t asking God what he wants with a starship.   

Republicrats and Democans

Well, the name of this blog seems to have finally evaporated to the point of a misnomer. After much contemplation, I don’t think I can call myself a liberal anymore. I’m certainly not a conservative, but I am not a liberal either. I am so fed up with the childish games being played in Congress and the White House. It’s funny, as much as the Democrats and Republicans throw tantrums to display how “different” they are, they are a mirror image of each other.

I suppose the first time I noticed something was wrong was the build up to the Iraq War. While I was only in 8th grade at the time, I remember how eerily similar George Bush and Hilary Clinton’s messages were. In case the nation has a collective case of amnesia, let me reiterate: Both Hilary Clinton and George Bush were for the Iraq War, a monumental blunder that cost us over 4000 brave American soldiers. Yet somehow that doesn’t register with people. That somehow ol’ George orchestrated the entire war like some kind of mastermind. Well, he didn’t. He had the support of basically everyone whose name wasn’t Dennis Kucinich or Ron Paul. Oh, congratulations to Obama for getting us out of Iraq… in December of 2011, real speedy job there.

The next event that disillusioned me was actually very recent, within the last six months in fact. It was after the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre. Twenty innocent, precious children were shot and killed there. Many of them aging as young as six. It was a horrendous day, filled with evil that was downright satanic. Then, the politicians got involved, and proceeded to each become as much of a raging jackass as they could possibly be.

The Republican response was to insanely lobby for arming teachers. Yeah, because that’s what we need, having a Quick Draw McGraw inspired shootout in an elementary school. It’s also a good thing that there would never ever be an incident where a teacher dropped a gun, and a small child would pick it up. Idiots. Then you had the Democrats. Admittedly, the Democrat response wasn’t quite as cartoonishly stupid, but it was just as useless and still a huge slap in the face to the Sandy Hook parents.

They wanted to ban guns. This seems to be the automatic response to any crisis for Democrats. Just ban guns! C’mon, do it! Just forget about that Second Amendment stuff! That’s the thing, we as individuals in a constitutional society have the right to protect ourselves. If someone wants to go hunting with a rifle, that’s their right. If someone wants to defend their family with a handgun, that’s their right. Even if someone wants to collect automatic weapons, that’s their right too.

The problem is that when the political parties aren’t being exactly the same, then they’re a million miles apart. There’s never any middle ground. The case in point in the gun debate was the background checks. For example, Seung Hui Cho, the gunman in the Virginia Tech shooting, legally purchased his guns despite a laundry list of mental health history that indicated schizophrenia and as a previously classified examination said, “an imminent danger to himself or others.”

So, due to the nonsense played out in congress over their respective bullshit, nothing got passed. That’s right, nothing. It is still lawful for a crazy or severely depressed person to buy a firearm. Awesome. This is personal for me too, as when I attempted to commit suicide myself, I bought a gun the same day I went to the store despite a mental health history filled with red flags. Lives are at stake here.

John Adams had it right in 1789 when he prophetically stated, “There is nothing which I dread so much as a division of the republic into two great parties, each arranged under its leader, and concerting measures in opposition to each other.” That’s us. That’s now. We have a broken political system.

Quite honestly, I think it’s beyond repair at this point. That’s why I don’t care anymore, at least concerning politics. I think people have made the greatest difference not as fat cat bureaucrats, but as Christians actively engaged in their community. For instance, slavery ended because of local abolitionists, by the time Lincoln “freed the slaves” he was redundant and merely making a political point to the Confederacy. Look to the church, not the oval office for true leadership.  

Christianity and Entertainment

As Christians, what are we allowed to enjoy? It’s a complex question that many theologians have tried to answer… with little agreement. In my mind, this is not really an esoteric theological question, but a question of practical everyday living. The question of what entertainment is biblical encompasses movies, music, video games, books, and really anything that you do to unwind and relax.

Well, as someone who has had a background as a skeptic, I’m always suspicious when a brother in Christ tells me that I shouldn’t be looking at something. As a child of the Enlightenment, I try to acquire new information about our world and different ways of looking at things. Now, I still have a Christian worldview, but if we’re afraid of challenging ideas, then how can we say that Christianity is really true in the first place?

It’s with this in mind that I suggest that any piece of entertainment, if it has an ultimate moral message, is worth taking in. I don’t think it has to be explicitly Christian, as long as the message helps you better yourself as a person, even if it’s in a small way. Now ideally, all our entertainment would be Christian based, but I really don’t believe this is feasible anymore, if it ever was. Just look at the state of the Christian movie industry today, it’s terrible. I can count on one hand how many recent movies explicitly based on Jesus have been legitimately great films. Honestly, you have to go back to the 50’s to get good movies on faith like Ben-Hur and get away from Kirk Cameron.

Christian books of fiction are in a similar position. Remember works like Paradise Lost and Lord of the Rings? Yeah, well don’t hold your breath for more like that. Christian writers today seem to be content on writing about 90 minutes in Heaven or 23 minutes in Hell. I can’t wait for the novel on what Jesus’ favorite color is.

Or you could look at Christian video games. Really, just play any game made by Wisdom Tree, one of which puts you in control of Noah as you calm upset animals on the ark in what looks like a Doom clone. Seriously, stuff like this is why Christians get laughed at.

So, after examining all that, secular media doesn’t look so bad anymore, does it? Now, I still believe we need to be careful at what we look at, otherwise we’re just gazing upon pornography, but I think everyone has the capability to know when something goes too far. Something that crosses the line for me would be A Clockwork Orange. Women are raped by the main character in the movie, and at no point is there even a moral message at all. In fact, evil actually triumphs in the ending of that film, which is even more disconcerting. I actually love 2001: A Space Odyssey by the same director, but I couldn’t give the thumbs up for A Clockwork Orange to a Christian. 

An example of something secular that I could recommend would be Dragon Ball Z. It’s an anime that features a lot of martial arts fighting but has a story that reveres all of the great Christian virtues. The hero Goku, is a figure that is very reminiscent of Jesus in that he always saves the weak from the forces of evil. He loves his friends and family, and only fights when he must. Even some of the bad guys convert to being good after Goku’s kindness is shown to them. It’s a show that has been sadly misunderstood by parents who only focused on the fights and not the morals.

As Christians we must be open to entertainment that may not be perfect, but still has something to offer us.

Progress

I need to speak on something that has been frustrating me. There is a disease that is rotting Christianity from the inside out. Its name is conservatism. Let me be clear, while I am a political liberal, I do not identify with progressive Christianity. I don’t think these narrow labels do much good when talking about God. I’m focusing on conservative Christianity because of its massive hold in America today.  

Don’t get me wrong, progressive Christianity has its own skeletons in the closest, most notably being the undercurrent of thought that Jesus was just a man with some cool ideas about helping the poor. The truth is, Jesus is the Son of God. He wasn’t some pot smoking hipster from first century Palestine. There are numerous claims that Jesus made in the Gospels to being divine, so we really are forced to follow the logic of C.S. Lewis’ trilemma of liar, lunatic, or Lord. If he’s not God, then why call yourself a Christian over anything else?

So, progressive Christianity has its flaws. Yet, there’s never been a “Social Justice Majority,” there has been a “Moral Majority” however. The problem with conservative Christianity is that it doesn’t change at all, which is ironic. Fundamentalist theologians like Albert Mohler say that all of his views are historic church positions. But that’s just false. Presumably, Mohler being a Calvinist Protestant, would recognize that his positions on predestination and sola scriptura, for example, were completely absent from church thought until 1500 years after the death of Christ. The Catholic Church was the only institution around during early Christianity, men like Augustine were devout Catholics.

So, if it follows that progress was made by Martin Luther and his reformation, then how can it be said that doctrine doesn’t change? Protestant denial of historic Christian positions such as Purgatory, necessity of baptism for salvation, acceptance of deuterocanonical books of the Bible, the belief that Christ’s real presence is in the Eucharist, and apostolic succession is a pretty big shift. Now, as a Protestant, I actually disagree with the above stated positions as well, but if the church was wrong once, can’t it be wrong again?   

Now, this is an obvious point, but I feel the need to mention it anyway: The root of the word Protestant means to protest. Well, what do you suppose the Protestants were protesting about? Could it be the Christian church of the day? See, you can’t break away from 1500 years of tradition and then complain when someone else talks about reform. It’s hypocritical.

I believe that we as Christians need to take a hard look at the issues in our world today. We can’t just sweep them under the rug because they would require a rethinking of theology. That’s just cowardly. We need to stop saying the earth is 6000 years old and that humans lived with dinosaurs. We need to stop trying to change someone’s sexuality. We need to stop letting ourselves be used by political parties to go to war and kill another nation’s children. We need to stop judging that some people are just absolutely going to Hell and that there’s no hope for them. Finally, we need to stop being afraid to say that God loves everyone.

Can we please throw away these childish progressive and conservative labels and just try to follow Jesus? 

Top Five Worst Movies (part 2 of 2)

3. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

What a disaster. So, it’s been fifteen years since Return of the Jedi, and you hear the news: Star Wars is coming back. Wow, that’s amazing, you say. George Lucas must have taken years to finely tune an awesome script with wonderful new characters and situations, right? Damn, that didn’t happen, huh? Well, at least the computer effects look nice… oh, and the last fight with Darth Maul was kind of cool… Come on, let’s face facts here, if this didn’t have the Star Wars license on it, no one would watch this train wreck. But since it does, people who saw this movie when they were nine (and haven’t seen it since) say “it’s not that bad.”

Well, watch it again. This sucks. Some of my favorite films are from the original trilogy, so it’s not that I just hate Star Wars. In fact, the third prequel, Revenge of the Sith, I think is a good movie. I’m just being objective. Episode I is awful.

Where to even begin. Alright, let’s start with the plot. This corporation called the Trade Federation is taking over the planet Naboo. What, a business is taking over a planet? Somehow, I find that a little less menacing than the Empire, maybe that’s just me. Anyway, Two Jedis, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi try to negotiate with the Trade Federation but fail, escape to Naboo, and meet a fish man named Jar Jar Binks… Actually, I’m going to stop talking about the plot now… I thought of writing more, but who cares, do you? I don’t. I can’t take this movie seriously.

This movie is a giant pointless misadventure. You see the characters running away from an oversized goldfish in their little submarine, to the characters beseeching the king of the fish men for an audience. There’s also random racing scenes in weird little pod things.

Yeah, there’s a scene where they fight in space. Yeah, there’s eventually a lightsaber fight. But who cares? The narrative is supposed to show Anakin being the chosen one, but he’s just a snot nosed ten year old kid here. The whole battle for Naboo has zero significance for the rest of the prequels. It’s a side story. You could actually start watching from Episode II and not really miss anything.

Then you have the characters in this movie. This has been done before by another critic, but think of Han Solo, how would you describe him? There are dozens of words I would think of to describe the lovable rogue. Now, think of Qui-Gon Jinn’s personality. Drawing a blank? I thought so. Every character in Episode I is a flat, two dimensional cartoon. Anakin is a whiny kid. Qui-Gon is wise. Jar Jar Binks is… wait, I need a moment.

So, let’s discuss Jar Jar Binks. This character is basically an Ewok, only he’s not adorable. He’s everything that is wrong with this movie personified. I suppose Lucas thought that Jar Jar would be comic relief, but his constant presence on screen makes me want to attack my television set. He talks like some blackface caricature from the 1920’s, and serves no point in the movie. He’s tripping over objects, shouting stupid catchphrases, and generally making an ass out of himself. My favorite scene with Jar Jar has to be when he accidentally steps into shit. It just sums up this movie perfectly.

This movie didn’t have to be made. Lucas could have skipped this pointless playground romp and just went straight to Episode II when Anakin wasn’t wetting the bed. It’s been said before, but I’ll say it again: Lucas needs to stop destroying Star Wars. Just stop, leave it alone. Make a remake of Howard the Duck or something; it can’t be worse than this.   

2. Batman and Robin

Okay, maybe The Happening isn’t the stupidest movie on this list. Oh God, Batman, what have they done to you? When Tim Burton created Batman and Batman Returns, he not only made two great movies, he brought comic book movies back into style. Then Joel Schumacher started making Batman movies. His first attempt, Batman Forever, was nothing in comparison to the Tim Burton films, but it was actually okay. Maybe he just needed to work himself into it, you know? I’m sure the next one will be… no, no, no, kill it with fire!

Batman and Robin looks like a shiny plastic toy designed for a toddler with Attention Deficit Disorder. There are some decent special effects, yeah, but they’re all thrown together on screen. I feel like they’re suffocating me. There’s little rhyme or reason to what they show, all the lighting, for example, is blue and pink. Why? Why those colors? Why not brown and orange? It’s not like the movie could look more arbitrary than it already does.

The movie’s plot (and I use that word very loosely), is that Mr. Freeze has come to Gotham and he’s freezing the city. Yeah, Mr. Freeze is freezing stuff. Awesome. Honestly, Mr. Freeze has always been one of the worst villains in Batman, because he’s not realistic. Tim Burton wisely chose the Joker and Penguin because they are semi-believable. The worst part is that Mr. Freeze, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, is a parody of himself. Everything, and I mean everything, he says is a pun on ice. “You’re not sending me to the cooler.” “The Iceman cometh.” “It’s time to kick some ice.” I think you get the picture, at least I hope you do, because if I have to type another ice pun I will rip my right arm off and beat myself with it.  

They also wheel in Poison Ivy, and her entire character is basically a giant whore. I can only imagine that Schumacher was yelling at Uma Thurman between cuts, saying “Not slutty enough, Uma!” Her character eventually brings a rift between Batman and Robin. They each think that Poison Ivy loves him, and a ridiculous fight breaks out between the two, which ends with Robin being pushed into a vat of ice cream.

This movie is just stupid. The acting is non-existent, and even the special effects, while acceptable, don’t add anything to the experience. It just felt like the movie was made to sell toys and video games. Also, I hate when people defend this film by saying “Come on, it’s just made for kids man, it’s a cartoon.” What a crappy excuse. There are dozens of imaginative children’s movies I can think of that don’t talk down to kids. Look at the Neverending Story or Dark Crystal, that’s how it’s done. Even Batman: The Animated Series, which actually was a cartoon, shines in storytelling. So, Batman and Robin isn’t good for anyone. The MPAA should rate this B for bad.

Also, thanks Joel Schumacher for all those classy ass and crotch shots of Batman and Robin. That’s good for kids. Jackass.

1. Project X

The previous four movies I reviewed were terrible, completely without any redeeming factors. Still, they were ostensibly about something. Wikipedia lists Project X as a comedy, but it isn’t one. I imagine they listed it as such because every movie has to be about something, right? Drama, action, sci-fi, fantasy, romance, documentary, and comedy. Those are the major ones. Well, it’s accurate to say that Project X has a few lines of dialogue that are supposed to funny, but just because a few jokes are in a film, doesn’t make it a comedy. I remember one of the Jews in Schindler’s List saying “How could it possibly be worse?” in response to his wife saying it could be worse. That plays to the sense of irony, which instills humor. So, is Schindler’s List a comedy then? No, and neither is this movie.

The truth is that Project X doesn’t fit into any genre. Is this because the film is so daring and original that conventional labels just can’t contain it? Instead of answering my own stupid question, I’ll hum the Ninja Turtles theme song.  Project X is the absence of everything. It offers nothing, story included.

Project X shows some white, over-privileged high school brats planning an “epic party.” Thomas Kub, our main character, throws the party at his house while his parents are away. He’s not popular at first, but becomes so due to the “epic party.” Soon enough, teenagers show up, and the party begins. That’s the entire plot, right there.

The whole movie just shows these punks doing irresponsible, childish shit.  They drink till they puke, get high, have sex with each other, and oh, they take some ecstasy. Awesome. They break stuff in Thomas’ house, and eventually the party gets so out of control that they riot in the streets and attack police officers. Then some guy with a flamethrower comes and burns the house down.

What is this movie trying to say? Does it have any point at all? No, this movie is a monument to hedonism, just living to live. It’s sad, because there’s actually one nice girl that Thomas has a friendship with, but instead of trying to grow in their relationship, he screws some random classmate because she’s apparently the hottest girl in high school.

After Thomas’ house is nothing but rubble, everyone at school now thinks he’s cool. Hooray, hooray! Except his college fund is gone, his parents hate him, and he’s actually facing jail time for his actions. But hey, it’s okay, right? The party was a hit! What an awesome night, dude! Forget the fact that this kid’s life is now fucked with a capital F, he had fun.

I would like to point out that the director of Project X is in his mid 30’s while the producer is in his early 40’s. Does this movie still sound cool? It’s the deranged and deviant fantasy of two grown men who wished they partied harder when they were still in high school. It’s pathetic. Grow up. Don’t inspire kids to do this kind of shit, and there are actually news stories of teenagers having “Project X parties” because they thought it looked so sweet in the film. Life isn’t a movie.

Fuck the people who made this movie. In any decent society, no studio would hire such miscreants. Sadly, kids are eating it up. By the way, to all the idiots saying this movie is just an homage to Animal House, please go jump off a bridge. Animal House had good characters, and was set up like a comedy. The true successors to Animal House are Old School and Superbad, not this alligator shit.

Project X reminded me of Night, by Elie Wiesel, a memoir on the Holocaust. Let this quote sink in “Here there are no fathers, no brothers, no friends. Everyone lives and dies for himself alone.” That’s this movie in a nutshell. The brats at this party don’t care about Thomas, they just want to get drunk. They won’t be there when the dust settles. Thomas, even though he’s at a party, is alone. Perhaps Nietzsche was thinking of Project X when he wrote “God is dead.”

Top Five Worst Movies (part 1 of 2)

Bad movies. Everyone’s seen at least one, right? You know the feeling, getting excited in the theater about the new movie you’re going to see. And then, you realize, this movie’s terrible! What a letdown. The money you pissed away on the ticket isn’t the worst part; it’s the understanding that eating other people’s shoes for the last two hours would have been more productive. You just wasted your time.

There are hundreds of bad movies, most movies in fact. Honestly, if the film isn’t bad, then it’s usually just generic. Very rarely will the moviegoer be presented with something original or challenging to his senses. Lest I falsely convey the untruth that this is a modern problem, and that movies today are just a reflection of a culture that has somehow fallen from grace, let me assure you, bad movies have always been with us.

Anyway, let me admit something upfront: there are worse movies on a technical level than the five I’ve chosen. You could look at something like Plan 9 from Outer Space, which is absolutely broken on every level. Still, that movie is so bad, that you actually derive humor from it. Other movies like Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Birdemic, and Troll 2, are all prime candidates as well. Also, those movies I mentioned you knew were going to be bad, there was never a chance to be disappointed.

No, the five movies I’m going to list are unceremonious failures. There isn’t even anything to laugh at, they’re just bad. If I could, I would reach back from the depths of time and drop boulders on the directors of these movies… but I can’t. They exist, and they will always exist. Talk about a bummer.

5. The Happening

Well, while this is only number five, The Happening is definitely the stupidest movie on the list. This film is a motion picture lobotomy. I was deathly afraid of becoming a genuine idiot after I watched this nonsense. So, the premise is… that plants are attacking. Yeah, that’s actually the plot. They try (extraordinarily badly), to make it scientific. They say that somehow all the plants on Earth have triggered a self-defense mechanism and are producing a toxin that makes humans commit suicide… because I guess the plants know that humans are chopping down trees and are angry.

This is stupid. I’m sorry, I really tried to suspend my disbelief, but this is stupid. How do all the plants everywhere know how to band together and produce this poison? How are only humans targeted? Those plants are really selective, quite brilliant tacticians I’d say. No, I’m not a scientist, but this could never happen, end of story.

And then, we have the actual scenes of the movie. It should also be noted that Mark Wahlberg is the main character in this movie. I could go into a rant of how he’s the second worst actor in Hollywood right now (Shia Labeouf wins that prize), but I’ll save you the trouble. Just know, that if you like him, you don’t actually like him, you just don’t know any better.

There are two scenes that exemplify this movie’s stupidity. The first is where the main characters hear other people shooting themselves in the distance. Mark Wahlberg’s character knows that the plants are at work, and tells everyone to run away from the wind. Yes, they are literally running away from the wind. I don’t… I don’t even know what to say. Is this supposed to be funny? I don’t think so, the movie really tries to take itself seriously. It’s just stupid.

The worst scene, however, is the houseplant scene. Mark Wahlberg’s character sees a plant in the house he’s hiding in, and actually tries to have a dialogue with it. He’s talking to a plant. If you think this is a good scene, then you absolutely belong in a mental asylum.

So, in summation, this movie is stupid. Stay away from it, unless you too, are stupid. 

4. Super Mario Bros.

This is the only movie on the list that actually looks bad on a cinematographic level. As soon as the film reel plays, you know that you’re looking at garbage. You won’t find a bigger Mario fan than me. Super Mario Bros. 3 on the old NES is my favorite video game of all time. So, when I first saw this travesty in elementary school, I just didn’t get it. Yeah, it has Mario and Luigi in it, but what on God’s green Earth did it have to do with the Mushroom Kingdom? As was popular in the 90’s, the directors tried to make it “extreme.”

The setting was first Manhattan, and then some hellish dystopia called Dinohattan. Ha, ha, ha… Oh boy, you see what they did there? Nice pun guys. Dinohattan in particular was freakish to look at. It’s a post-apocalyptic wasteland. The movie just looks dark. One of the characters was turned into a fungus and he looks disgusting. He’s covered in slime, and you wonder if all the cast just took turns blowing their noses on him.

There are also weird creatures that bear the classic goomba name, but actually look like monsters. They’re giants, but have these tiny heads with razor sharp teeth. Honestly, they look like they came out of someone’s acid trip. Then you have Yoshi, everyone’s favorite cute dinosaur. Here he just looks like a raptor from Jurassic Park. Finally, you have King Koopa… who just looks like Dennis Hopper.

The worst scene in this movie is where Mario motorboats the chest of some big black woman named Bertha. If you think that sounds vomit-inducing, then you’d be right. Mario, the adorable little Nintendo character that is beloved by children and adults alike, is diving into a woman’s tits. What were they thinking?

This entire movie is just a dark, subterranean nightmare. It feels wrong. Why didn’t they just model Mario after his games? Why not show Mario and Luigi having whimsical adventures in the Mushroom Kingdom? You know, riding Yoshi, collecting coins, and exploring new worlds? That would have been delightful. Instead, we basically got Mario in the hood.