Monday, April 1, 2013

Top Five Worst Movies (part 1 of 2)

Bad movies. Everyone’s seen at least one, right? You know the feeling, getting excited in the theater about the new movie you’re going to see. And then, you realize, this movie’s terrible! What a letdown. The money you pissed away on the ticket isn’t the worst part; it’s the understanding that eating other people’s shoes for the last two hours would have been more productive. You just wasted your time.

There are hundreds of bad movies, most movies in fact. Honestly, if the film isn’t bad, then it’s usually just generic. Very rarely will the moviegoer be presented with something original or challenging to his senses. Lest I falsely convey the untruth that this is a modern problem, and that movies today are just a reflection of a culture that has somehow fallen from grace, let me assure you, bad movies have always been with us.

Anyway, let me admit something upfront: there are worse movies on a technical level than the five I’ve chosen. You could look at something like Plan 9 from Outer Space, which is absolutely broken on every level. Still, that movie is so bad, that you actually derive humor from it. Other movies like Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Birdemic, and Troll 2, are all prime candidates as well. Also, those movies I mentioned you knew were going to be bad, there was never a chance to be disappointed.

No, the five movies I’m going to list are unceremonious failures. There isn’t even anything to laugh at, they’re just bad. If I could, I would reach back from the depths of time and drop boulders on the directors of these movies… but I can’t. They exist, and they will always exist. Talk about a bummer.

5. The Happening

Well, while this is only number five, The Happening is definitely the stupidest movie on the list. This film is a motion picture lobotomy. I was deathly afraid of becoming a genuine idiot after I watched this nonsense. So, the premise is… that plants are attacking. Yeah, that’s actually the plot. They try (extraordinarily badly), to make it scientific. They say that somehow all the plants on Earth have triggered a self-defense mechanism and are producing a toxin that makes humans commit suicide… because I guess the plants know that humans are chopping down trees and are angry.

This is stupid. I’m sorry, I really tried to suspend my disbelief, but this is stupid. How do all the plants everywhere know how to band together and produce this poison? How are only humans targeted? Those plants are really selective, quite brilliant tacticians I’d say. No, I’m not a scientist, but this could never happen, end of story.

And then, we have the actual scenes of the movie. It should also be noted that Mark Wahlberg is the main character in this movie. I could go into a rant of how he’s the second worst actor in Hollywood right now (Shia Labeouf wins that prize), but I’ll save you the trouble. Just know, that if you like him, you don’t actually like him, you just don’t know any better.

There are two scenes that exemplify this movie’s stupidity. The first is where the main characters hear other people shooting themselves in the distance. Mark Wahlberg’s character knows that the plants are at work, and tells everyone to run away from the wind. Yes, they are literally running away from the wind. I don’t… I don’t even know what to say. Is this supposed to be funny? I don’t think so, the movie really tries to take itself seriously. It’s just stupid.

The worst scene, however, is the houseplant scene. Mark Wahlberg’s character sees a plant in the house he’s hiding in, and actually tries to have a dialogue with it. He’s talking to a plant. If you think this is a good scene, then you absolutely belong in a mental asylum.

So, in summation, this movie is stupid. Stay away from it, unless you too, are stupid. 

4. Super Mario Bros.

This is the only movie on the list that actually looks bad on a cinematographic level. As soon as the film reel plays, you know that you’re looking at garbage. You won’t find a bigger Mario fan than me. Super Mario Bros. 3 on the old NES is my favorite video game of all time. So, when I first saw this travesty in elementary school, I just didn’t get it. Yeah, it has Mario and Luigi in it, but what on God’s green Earth did it have to do with the Mushroom Kingdom? As was popular in the 90’s, the directors tried to make it “extreme.”

The setting was first Manhattan, and then some hellish dystopia called Dinohattan. Ha, ha, ha… Oh boy, you see what they did there? Nice pun guys. Dinohattan in particular was freakish to look at. It’s a post-apocalyptic wasteland. The movie just looks dark. One of the characters was turned into a fungus and he looks disgusting. He’s covered in slime, and you wonder if all the cast just took turns blowing their noses on him.

There are also weird creatures that bear the classic goomba name, but actually look like monsters. They’re giants, but have these tiny heads with razor sharp teeth. Honestly, they look like they came out of someone’s acid trip. Then you have Yoshi, everyone’s favorite cute dinosaur. Here he just looks like a raptor from Jurassic Park. Finally, you have King Koopa… who just looks like Dennis Hopper.

The worst scene in this movie is where Mario motorboats the chest of some big black woman named Bertha. If you think that sounds vomit-inducing, then you’d be right. Mario, the adorable little Nintendo character that is beloved by children and adults alike, is diving into a woman’s tits. What were they thinking?

This entire movie is just a dark, subterranean nightmare. It feels wrong. Why didn’t they just model Mario after his games? Why not show Mario and Luigi having whimsical adventures in the Mushroom Kingdom? You know, riding Yoshi, collecting coins, and exploring new worlds? That would have been delightful. Instead, we basically got Mario in the hood.

1 comment:

  1. You got to watch Super Mario Bros expecting a bad movie, then it's mildly hilarious.